The choice to step off my career and look after my wife after our two children were born (V.V bad post-natal depression with both and a post-natal haemorrhage), all the time supporting her and the kids and helping her get back into her career choice. I recently found that my husband still hasn't got over his fist girlfriend. Every time they made you feel good, you shoved them deeper into your subconscious mind and made them a permanent part of you. Your ex has probably matured a lot and achieved personal success since you last saw him or her. What probably ended up happening is that Natalies ex went through multiple variations of the cycle with different people. But deep in my bones, I just feel like we will have another chance! If you still love him and want my advice, try to emotionally understand that hes married and cant commit to you. As the relationship progressed, I started to want to hurry up and get married and have kids. My advice: Let sleeping dogs lie and dont let your curiosity get the better of you. Thank you for your insights Zan, I really appreciate it. Youd forgotten about the bad times the reasons why you broke up. It's normal to have feelings for someone after breaking up with them, especially if the relationship lasted for a long time. Inside Kody Brown's Ups and Downs With His 18 Kids: Paedon, Ysabel and More. He had children who he clearly adored (seeing this broke me the most). My ex and I were only in our teens when we were torn apart. Contents. Say exactly what you feel. Subconsciously comparing every girl against her, never seeming to settle down but still always wondering what she was doing, how she was and how I had missed an opportunity, but life rolls on, and I crushed all feelings into an small emotional ball and would do that by remembering the hurt and focusing on that. Wishing you all the best in life and love, Your coach when you are wondering if it is normal to still love an ex. When we feel like something belongs to us, its dangerously easy to assume that its always going to be there. If you arent familiar, the peak end rule is defined as, The peakend rule is a cognitive bias that impacts how people remember past events. All three of us have signifcant graduate education, but my wife was willing to exit before the end so that she could raise or children while O felt that she had invested too much not too finish. 1. Youll notice that Im focusing a lot on avoidants and how they act after a breakup. If the person you are in a relationship with has children from a past marriage; trust me, the kids will always be a reason for her to call him or vice versa. The reason behind the breakup, well, multiple breakups, was that he couldnt find the balance between feeling independent and being in a relationship. Well, its highly likely that you, your ex, or both werent happy back then. Its frustrating. He also had a beautiful lakeside cottage that he clearly enjoyed and he had many friends and family on FB that he was obviously close to and who cared about him, I had kept all of the pictures that we took during our relationship and I have now, many times since learning about his life, pulled them out to look at them after not looking at them since the break up. When an ex contacts you years later, you need to focus on why they became your ex in the first place. We bade our farewells, after exchanging numbers and promising to call. I threw myself into dating and at first was optimistic I could meet someone else like him and be happy with them instead. I did not hear from him again, When I look back at pics of myself with my new bf from that time, I look deliriously happy, glowing and very content. Give it time, and see if it is lasting.. then sit down with the wife and have a chat with her about her life path and plans. The love you feel for someone does not disappear into thin air just because you broke up. So, after a string of protests she finally tearfully agreed. Ever since we confessed our feelings, I lost all emotion towards my husband which makes me question if I was even in love with him in the first place. I have worked with people still love their exes after years of being apart. My ex husband was not ready for the real world consequences of leaving his marriage so he had been moving slowly. Are you confident in what you bring to the table? Are you still in love with your ex after 20 years? If I purposely think of O they are always there immediately and extending into the seemingly indeterminate past. So if you are still not over an ex, we need to focus on generating more happiness in your life. If you never expressed these feelings to her, they are just locked up inside of you going around and around - for 30 years. But Im nearing 40 and havent found even half a match. Today, well talk about what you can do if youre still in love with an ex after 20 years or so. >> Ranboo's Boundaries If there are any boundaries you are unsure of, hopefully this thread should help you out. I also want to keep in mind that it can be really challenging to say everything you want to say to your ex face-to-face or on the phone. But I remained calm and supported the family as best I could. Another really interesting thing can happen to propagate this longing within an avoidant years after the breakup and thats the origin of the phantom ex. However, after 20 years, it's probably likely in most cases that the person you are in love with no longer really exists. Skip forward till about 10 years ago and through Facebook tied up with her brother. She shot me a look, that is very hard to explain, and in a quiet voice said why didnt you? We broke-up amicably. We text each other, but we dont see each other often. Theres just nothing left to say unfortunately. I have not stopped thinking about you since. He never said no and promised in time we would. At the time he was in a relationship of a few years (which I didnt know when we met, and we fell in love instantly), and in the few weeks after he and I met, she became pregnant. Seek professional help if you have to. Those end moments that seem so awful begin to be forgotten and the focus comes in on the peak positive moments. 3 Healing From A Painful Breakup Requires Growth. Whatever the case may be, you still love your ex after 5, 10, or 20 years because you haven't been very happy with your romantic life. Its our self-love and self-esteem, therefore, thats lacking; our happiness within ourselves. Find the reason why you still love your ex after so many years. If you are constantly reassuring your ex that you arent going anywhere, it becomes dangerously easy for them to take you for granted. Sometimes things come out wrong, sometimes you panic, and sometimes a bunch of things are left unsaid. Connect with your partner on a deeper level and youll feel a different, more positive kind of emotion. Are you happy in your job? Its because a long time ago (most likely in your childhood), you idolized or loved them so much that you anchored them to your long-term memory. Invite him or her out and discern what your ex feels about you. When you receive an actual handwritten letter from someone, you will be more inclined to read it. You now miss him because you think hes happy or happier than you. Over the years I had relationships and even had two children, which I wouldnt change for anything. Spell out your expectations for this relationship, and explain what you want. Every day we said that we loved each other and we promised that we would love each other for ever, But then I became increasingly frustrated with him having no goals, no job and no direction in life. As Nifty_Swifty1, a very wise man says, if love is really love, as it sounds like yor had for your wife, it never ends. It's a love that you feel deep in your heart that remains after. I have no idea how he feels They definitely do but they are often looking to the future. At this point, you are mentally not into your wife and that relationship. In addition to all of this, keep in mind that the more power you give your ex by making them feel that you need them in order to be happy, the less attracted they will be to you. Then we were torn apart due to outside influences. In contrast I would say that I definitely still love S and probably always will but I am not in love with her. Coming in a few months late.. but better late than never. We broke up for the right reasons and the things we couldnt give each other I now have. He does flirt a little, and has opened up to me about a lot of things, but I know that he will always feel that deep loss for his love that died, even though I meant everything to him when we were younger. But a fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships, blocking them from getting close to someone else. I am still in love with the boy I lost years ago. The phantom ex operates because there is/was distance, not because the relationship was successful. Chatted and found out that she had married and since divorced and was asked the dreaded question You were so tight with my sister, do you mind if I ask why you split up?. We know this is common breakup behavior based on our research on nostalgia. I think its a lil too late for that. Photo: getty. Flash forward 15 yearsI have filed for divorce which is something that should have happened years ago. Today were going to be talking about if its normal to still be in love with your ex after years apart. He said that he wishes they were his and probably could have been in another life. I am transported back 20 years: surrounded by Gothic architecture on our East Coast college campus. I dont think you should reach out to him, Antoinette. And if Im being honest the intense feelings and emotion I have toward my ex, even then and now, I have NEVER had that with anyone else not even my husband. If you feel like some improvement could be made and your physical health, start going for runs or hitting the gym at least twice a week. Hes still married. The time with the ex was a journey, the time with the wife was another journey, and who knows, the time with the ex all over again could be another journey in your destiny. The secrets continue to grow until they become lies. I fell for the trap of somebody returning to my life after 20 years !!! They move on and hyper focus on that person. But, my wife and O are by no means the only petite Eastern Europe intellectuals that I have been intimate with. The point were trying to make is that nostalgia makes you think that what you had back then is better than what you have now. Throughout my married life, I made and have stuck to my choices good or bad. The human brain retains about five to 10% of what is being sent to them, so by giving your ex something special like a letter, they will be more inclined to revisit it and reread it. Figure out if this is real and deep or just *infatuation* or *loving the memory of who you were*. After a month of just talking, my ex-husband and I met again at the end of March 2015. This persons presence should not dictate your quality-of-life. But in reality, we just need to deepen our love for ourselvesand our need for validation will dissipate into thin air. Both my first love and wife saw it right away. I still am not over my ex boyfriend from 20 years ago. He wasnt perfect, but he was perfect for me. Studies show that, when relationships end, people may deal with depression, PTSD, anxiety, and other mental health issues. This is a terrific piece, very helpful, touched every aspect of my situation. What truly matters is that you understand for an avoidant, unless they somehow become more secure, they will always be caught in this cycle. One of the most powerful tools available to you for getting an ex to want you back is the no contact rule. You might say that because of her similarities with my wife I am experiencing transference. So, here is a thing its a long one sorry. Love is a complex emotion that takes time to develop, but it also takes a lot of time for it to disappear. About a year into the relationship, I slowly started to turn down his attempts to become physical because I no longer had any desire to be intimate with him. Everything that you said disipate this false love has happened, but it is still undeniable that I love her and am *in* love with her. It was heart-wrenching. A woman named Natalie called in and presented the following situation to me. Her ex has kind of come back into the picture lately congratulating her. He had another 2 kids with the same woman, whom he married a few years ago. So I encourage you to start thinking about how you could begin to introduce more happiness into your daily routine, and youll see that you will start feeling better and better. If you still want to get back together with your ex, we still need to explore tools for bouncing back from the break up, but then we need to explore how to win this person back and create a relationship that is stronger than ever before. For now, heres a quick list of the things were going to be covering in this article. Cut off all communication (Both direct and indirect) For the sake of your physical and mental health, this is the first thing you've got to do. It has been 2 years since the breakup with her ex. Im happy to hear your advice. But is this tool is effective when you have been broken up for a very long time? He still shows me the wounds I need to work on so communication isnt always easy, but Im no longer avoiding it. Theyre basically commitment-phobes and experts at rationalizing their way out of any intimate situation. Do you think its possible that he will be able to take the next step? If you found your ex, that means you can find someone even better for you. Sometimes, I feel like I am going to die. Im not saying you should give everyone a chance, but dont be so selective that you only get to know guys who make a good first impression. I wanted to share Peters story with you because this is actually a common phenomenon. Write out your feelings and mail them to her. There are probably things you dont like about your husband, but you have to understand what love really is. Youll feel it. I told him that I was seeing someone and then he hesitantly told me that he was seeing someone. You dont need to get hurt to feel connected. He likes to hold your hand in public. You thought your ex would never become ambitious and change, but he proved you otherwise and made you nostalgic. You now covet who your ex has become and envy the person your ex should have been long ago when you dated. If it does interfere, I suggest that you get some space from your ex and focus on the relationship with your husband. There will never be anyone else for me. If you want to be in a relationship, you have to be a little more open-minded and give guys a chance. And for the avoidant, an idealized version of a partner they cant have is most comfortable. The next morning I woke up with such regret, thinking for sure he would block me. 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